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Happy Tears
Crying happy tears. I just read the best message from the woman I was arguing with on the Lila news story a couple of days ago. She apologized for being ignorant and hateful, said she’s spent the last day reading and learning, and now she would be completely comfortable with her daughters being in a locker room with a transgender girl.
This is why I engage in these conversations online. As frustrating and hurtful as they can be, you never know when they will make a difference. This is how allies are made. This makes the sad, angry, and frustrated tears worth it.
How did the conversation go, you may be asking? Here’s my part of the conversation. (The woman deleted all of her comments after realizing how hateful they sounded.)
My original comment: All of you commenting against Lila need to understand that you’ve all shared restrooms with transgender people. Every one of you. And the simple fact is that you didn’t have a clue because trans people don’t whip out their parts for everyone to see. Yes, even in a locker room situation, that still applies. Body parts are private, and I guarantee you that Lila wouldn’t be stripping down to nothing to change for class. Underwear would be worn, as is probably the case for 99.9% of the other students. No one sees more than what we all see at a swimming pool.
As for not wanting to use the segregated room, by law she doesn’t have to. “Separate but equal” isn’t constitutional. She can’t be forced into a separate facility, and using one does set her apart from her classmates. That alone can lead to an increased chance of bullying and depression. If the other students are uncomfortable, THEY can use alternative changing areas. “Separate but equal” in that case is voluntary.
Further fear is usually a symptom of something being unknown. So before you fear the trans predator in bathrooms and locker rooms, get to know the truth.
http://mediamatters.org/…/17-school-districts…/203867
http://mediamatters.org/…/15-experts-debunk…/198533
http://thinkprogress.org/…/transgender-bathroom-study/
This was followed by strawman arguments that a girl in her underwear is vulnerable to being sexually leered at by a “man” in a locker room and the question “Should I teach my 3-year-old that showering with strange men is okay if they say they are women?”
My replies: Start by teaching everyone that bodies aren’t merely sexual objects. A bra and underwear aren’t any more revealing than a bikini. And if your daughter’s are, I’d ask you why you’re letting her wear something so risque.
You let your 3 year old shower with strangers?
She then sounded irate. “This is a man showering with girls? How do you not get this?????”
My reply is what seemed to turn her around:I get it more than you know, because I’ve been through it. I have a transgender daughter. I live this every single day in ways you will never comprehend. I get the hate and even get death threats simply for loving my child and allowing her to live in a way that makes her happy rather than suicidal. YOU have the luxury of not understanding because you’d rather stay ignorant. For my daughter’s life, I HAD to understand it.
That being said, there are a lot of resources out that the school can use to help the kids understand. Training from non-profits can help everyone, including parents, see that gender norms are hardly black and white or written in stone. We all break gender rules every day we exist. But we overlook them in ourselves because we don’t think we are freaks. But whoa, someone else dares to challenge that thinking and we flip. I don’t know Lila and I don’t know how fluid she is (yes, that’s an actual term), but I know that teaching about gender issues instead of spouting a bunch of fear-mongering nonsense goes a long way. You could TRY to learn something. You could TRY to teach your daughter that people come in all varieties, some we may not even understand, but when those people ARE NOT hurting anyone else, they are still ok.
She then replied with three other quick comments. “What if she likes girls?” “I don’t want my daughter around people with a penis.” And “I think she’s just confused because some days she dresses as a boy and others she dresses as a girl.”
My replies to each statement: I do appreciate that you called Lila a girl in your last comment. That is something. You see, it doesn’t have to be hard. She’s a girl. And maybe she’s a lesbian. But I don’t see the parents around there trying to round up all the other lesbians in the locker room and kick them out.
You don’t know what genitals anyone has unless they flash you or you’re intimate. Does a penis automatically make a person a predator? I’m sure your husband (or kids’ father…sorry to assume) would love to know that.
There are a lot of trans people who try living as a gay person in the gender they were assigned at birth first. Sometimes it’s because they don’t know how to explain the feelings they have and aren’t aware that being transgender is real or think they are the only one to ever feel like they are in the wrong body. Awareness that they aren’t alone and being able to finally put their feelings into words can be a life-saving relief. Sometimes it’s because they are afraid of rejection from family and friends. So they test the waters by saying they are gay thinking if they are supported, the same friends and family might eventually be okay knowing they feel they are a different gender. Just look at the amount of hate in the comments of this story to see why people would be afraid to come out as trans versus gay. You don’t have to read far to see how terrifying it is to speak that truth out loud.
I added to the thread before she commented further:Let’s get to another terrifying truth really quickly. So far this year, a record number of trans women have been murdered in the US. MURDERED for being trans women. Why would anyone pretend to be trans when they aren’t and put themselves in automatic danger? There are actually people here who say Lila is a boy trying to trick others into getting locker room access. At the risk of being murdered for it? I don’t think so. Being trans isn’t a choice. It isn’t confusion. It isn’t something that can be fixed. It doesn’t make a person a predator.
She then replied that she is teaching her daughter to be loving and accepting, but that she was drawing the line and would not accept a male claiming he is female (suddenly reversing her use of affirmative pronouns).
My last reply to her:You really *aren’t* teaching her to love and accept everyone no matter what. If you were, you’d teach her that trans girls are not to be feared and that their private parts are their private parts, just as hers are. She doesn’t know what anyone else has in their undies. They could be intersex and have a penis. She wouldn’t know that either.
Two days later she sent me a private message saying she spent a lot of time in thought and reading everything she could find. Calmly addressing each argument as it came up seemed to help diffuse the situation. Granted, this approach can sometimes just cause a headache as people decide to dig in their heels further rather than open their minds. But I’m really happy at the outcome here. She said she was going to attend the next school board meeting and express her support of Lila. We now have one more advocate out there, actually speaking on a trans girl’s behalf, publicly.
Trans Lives Matter: Ignorance Causes People to Die
With news of the 11th murder of a trans woman in 2015 in the US, I’m tired of people sitting by thinking that their ignorance is ok. #TransLivesMatter is more than a catchy hashtag. It’s a reality. The lives of these murdered women mattered, and we need to stop people from trying to invalidate trans lives.
How to Be an Ally to Your Trans Child
If you’ve struggled to accept your child as trans, but now want to show them that you are onboard, here are a few ways to be their ally.
For Parents Who Aren’t Supportive of Their Trans Teens
A lot of parents refuse to support a child who comes out as transgender. Here are a few reasons they should.
Sharing Our Story at Trevor Project
My family was invited to attend the TrevorLive Gala in New York City in June. I met David Bond of the Trevor Project earlier in the spring at HRC’s Time To Thrive conference where he heard me mention Avery trying to jump out of our car when she was four years old. He asked if I could also speak at TrevorLive to let their supporters hear how trans kids can be suicidal at an extremely young age because of their dysphoria and a lack of acceptance.
I hope that our story made enough of an impact on people in the audience that they made larger donations than planned to support children like ours.
Here is my speech from that evening:
My name is Debi Jackson. My husband and I have two kids: our 9-year-old son Anson, and our daughter Avery, who just turned 8 last week. I was raised in a Republican, Southern Baptist family and we are privileged to have many blessings in our life. Our environment always seemed to provide a safe haven for my family, until a few years ago. If you had told me that one day I would be speaking in support of an LGBTQ organization like The Trevor Project, I wouldn’t have believed you. But I stand here tonight, filled to the brim with love, empathy, and gratitude for the life-saving work you all do.
The truth is, a few years ago, I found out that our then 4-year-old child was suicidal.
As a toddler, our daughter told my husband and me that she is really a girl on the inside. Soon, Avery began fixating on a grim obsession: death. “Mommy,” she would say, looking up at me. “If I die, would I get the chance to come back in a different body?”
The questions became more frequent, and the intensity of her focus grew, and grew. “Are some ways of dying more painful than others?” she asked. Would she die, or only get hurt, if she fell out of the car? What if it was going slow? …Fast?
Then, the day came when she took a step far beyond inquiries and words.
I was driving down the interstate and Avery discreetly unbuckled her seat belt, grasped the car door handle, and pulled with all of her 4-year-old strength. Her brother started yelling, “Stop the car! Stop the car! Avery is trying to die!”
It’s still chilling to remember this moment. Deep in her small, innocent heart, she truly wanted to stop living – and unless something changed, she wasn’t giving up.
Back then, we had limited knowledge about transgender youth, and didn’t know about The Trevor Project. Still, we knew that Avery’s health — physically, mentally and emotionally — depended on allowing her to live freely as her true self. In our hearts, we knew that God blessed us with this extraordinary child because when living authentically, she could open other people’s hearts to the beauty of human diversity.
It’s true that in recent years, we’ve seen public perception shift. In fact, just one year ago when our story was first made public, we received messages like “I hope your kid gets cancer from its fake vagina and dies a slow, painful death.” Since then, we have seen the birth of a global discussion about gender identity powered by celebrities, actors, sports figures, activists, and other regular families like ours sharing similar stories. A few weeks ago when Avery decided to tell her own story in a video that went viral, the comments were all supportive.
For many, this momentum would seem like proof that we were out of the woods – that from this point on, the hate and discrimination facing children like my daughter would dwindle away and cease to exist. Maybe, we thought, the world was ready to accept the trans community. But now, we know that isn’t the reality facing us today. There continues to be pushback, trials, and struggles: especially in the South – especially for our youth.
There is a new generation of young people who are growing up in a world where the internet can hurt as much as it can help; where family rejection is still a major fear; where it’s still far too easy to feel alone, unwanted, and hopeless.
It’s hard to believe that children as young as mine are struggling through suicidal feelings, even though we may not read their stories. Despite supportive families and close friends, young people hit countless milestones that can shift from positive progress to difficult challenges.
As the parent of a trans child, I know that my daughter is just starting her journey. Soon comes first crushes and first dates, then comes the question of when to tell a love interest about being trans without putting her heart – or her safety – on the line.
This experience, along with making new friends, going through puberty, getting through school and finding a job, can be trying for any pre-teen or teen, but for LGBTQ youth, it carries unique concerns that may increase their risk of attempting suicide one day.
It’s acknowledging the reality of Avery’s future that made me realize: there needs to be a place where my daughter – and others like her – can feel safe, no matter what. And those safe havens are organizations like The Trevor Project.
I dread the day when I’m not able to take control of the steering wheel and change the course for my amazing daughter. Thankfully, I know that Trevor will be there – and that’s because of all of you. You will be there to answer her call, text, chat. You will be there to offer suicide prevention services to keep these beautiful children alive.
Thank you so much for being here tonight to support young people like Avery through Trevor’s crucial programs. When our story started, I felt alone – now, as I look around this room, I realize that I’m not. My family isn’t. Avery isn’t.
Thank you for letting me share our story. Thank you for all you do to help each individual youth you serve, and thank you for helping to change the world.
