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Which Bathroom Should She Use?
This is AJ, my beautiful, extraordinary, vivacious (#trans) girl who is afraid to use public bathrooms alone because she knows This is AJ, my beautiful, extraordinary, vivacious (#trans) girl who is afraid to use public bathrooms alone because she knows some people don’t want her there. She has a reason to be nervous.
There’s a local news story bringing out the haters because 2 trans girls at a school are using the girls’ restroom. Cue “outraged” parents crying about the danger of perverts lurking around their precious little girls.
I shared this photo with one commenter on a tv station’s FB story and asked him two questions:
1. What danger would she pose to his daughter?
2. What bathroom does he *honestly* believe she could use safely?
He quickly felt the need to end the conversation, without answering the questions but instead saying that “they wouldn’t be harassed if they used the right bathroom.”
Well, SHE does use the right bathroom. It’s the one for girls. And if she’s nervous about using it when she looks like this, imagine the sheer terror she would feel walking into a men’s room alone. This is why defeating these new “bathroom bills” matters. A little personal discomfort based on ignorance does not trump the need for safety from the very real threat of assault and rape that trans people face in restrooms.
GLAAD: All Access with Debi Jackson
While in Portland at the Time to Thrive Conference, I ran across the staff from GLAAD. They have a video series called “GLAAD: All Access” which features interviews with newsmakers, hit-makers, and people making a difference. For some reason, they think I fit that bill! So I sat down with them for a few minutes to talk about when I first noticed my four-year-old wanted to identify as a girl, how my husband and I educated ourselves about the word “transgender,” and offered some advice for other parents of transgender children.
2015 Time To Thrive Speech by Debi Jackson
I was asked to speak at this year’s Time to Thrive Conference, hosted by HRC in Portland, Oregon. Time to Thrive is an event focused on educating professionals who work with LGBT youth about their unique issues, struggles, and needs.
I was introduced by another amazing PFLAG mom, Betty DeGeneres!
My speech this year told more of our daughter’s story, a painful part of the journey that I don’t often talk about. I felt it was important, though, for people working with at-risk youth to really understand what those risks can be. And I also challenged parents to be more accepting of their LGBT kids and to really advocate for them.
HRC has resources that can help. The ones I talk about in my speech can be found on their website.
Interview: Kansas City’s CAMP Magazine
I was honored by being interviewed in Kansas City’s LGBT magazine, Camp, and was absolutely flabbergasted when they said they wanted me to be on the cover as well.
The interview is called “The Camp 10” and is ten questions long. Here are the first two:
1. Like many of our readers, I first learned of you from the powerful video recorded of you speaking about your transgender daughter in May 2014 at the Listen to Your Mother live reading show at Kansas City’s Unity Temple on the Plaza (Listen to Your Mother). How have things changed in your life since that video went viral?A better question is almost what hasn’t changed. Before, I had a very small group of supportive friends around us … actually, only two people knew about our daughter at all, so I rarely talked about any transgender issues. Once the video was out, everyone in our circle knew, and people started finding me on Facebook from across the globe. I received about 5,000 messages in less than a month from people on six continents! People shared with me how inspired they were by me, how they used the speech as a way to come out to their families, and how they changed their perception of their kids after watching it. I realized there was a huge need for people to connect with someone with a shared experience, so I decided to be as open to talking to other people as possible. I still get private messages from people in places like India and Pakistan at all hours of the night. They need someone who will listen to them, who they can confide in, and I try to offer them hope and reassurance. That’s certainly something I never expected to be happening in my life.
2. How has your family adjusted to all of the changes with your activism that this past year has brought?We juggle a more active calendar, but otherwise the adjustment has been fairly easy. I have a lot of meetings to go to, a lot of conference calls, time on the phone or Skype for interviews, and I’ve started traveling to speak. So I cook a bit less and the kids have learned that when my earphones are in, I’m probably doing an interview, so they stay quiet. They get more pizza and movie nights with my husband as I run all over town.
When Your Trans Child Comes Out Unexpectedly
AJ and her friend Jasmine announced they are transgender to the whole Brownie troop tonight. I don’t think I breathed for about four minutes.
Jasmine was visiting and during intros was asked if there was anything she’d like to share about herself. She said “Well, I’m transgender.” My heart almost stopped. I thought I’d be more prepared for that kind of moment than I was. But she was amazing. She explained what being trans is and then AJ jumped in with “And I’m transgender, too! We both are.”
The girls had a couple of questions but they all took it in stride. One even jumped in and said “We can learn about being transgender and earn a Transgender Badge!” Then it was on to the rest of the meeting. No one treated them any differently.
At home later, AJ told her dad all about it. We asked her how it felt to tell people and she said once Jasmine told, she knew she could, too. She was happy and relieved. She didn’t think anyone would care.
He asked a few more questions and we said we were really proud of her for being so brave. She said there was no reason to be proud because it was no biggie. It was just “transgender transgender blah blah blah, transgender blah blah, let’s learn about dogs.”
In the moment it was happening, I don’t know that I handled it as well as I could have. As soon as the words were out, Jasmine looked a lit like “oh my goodness…what did I just do?!” And none of the girls really responded, so I am not sure any actually heard what she said. Thinking it would be easier to move on, I asked her if there was anything else she’d like to tell about herself. But her mom jumped in to see if she was ok and wanted to repeat herself and explain what being transgender is. She was concerned that Jasmine would think she had said something wrong. Two protective mamas, two different responses.
We talked later about the situation and realized that our responses simply came down to being able to interpret Jasmine’s expression. What I read on her face was different than what her mom saw. And that’s why it’s important to remember that we know our kids best. Trust your gut when it comes to your child, and be sure not to judge another parent if they take a different approach to a situation than you think you would.
