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Parents Speak: Having a Trans Child Is Great Because…
Raising a gender non-conforming or transgender child can come with a lot of struggles and heartache. Parents can lose unaccepting friends and family. Kids can lose their playmates. Churches can reject lifelong members. Parenting skills can be questioned and sometimes Child Protective Services can get called on for an investigation. Marriages can crumble under the strain. Panic attacks and nightmares about a child’s safety can emerge. Grief over losing the child and a future that has already been idealized can lead to depression.
Sounds really heavy, right? Sounds like there couldn’t be anything really good that comes from a child expressing the need to transition and lived as their affirmed gender.
But that isn’t the case. The reality is that having a trans child can be incredible. If you don’t believe me, read for yourself what parents in an online support group said when they were asked if there was anything awesome about their journey with their kids.
“My kiddo in first grade has had 3 sunny days in the last week at school. Previously, it was at the most one. She is happy, healthy, and excited to be the girl she really is. I’m already seeing a difference in her and we only socially transitioned a week and a half ago.”
This just shows how fast the emotional burden can be lifted from our kids once they know they are supported and their true gender is acknowledged. A week and a half! Sometimes it just takes a day or two to see happiness return.
“Having a transchild has reminded me that there is something more than nurture, indeed something more than nurture AND nature, that there is something spiritual, mysterious and unexplainable, something beyond all the explanations about this miracle called life: and so I find myself staring at the stars a lot.”
Religious. Mystical. Magical. Whatever you want to call it, I love this quote because it proves this is bigger than us, bigger than all the people who doubt us and judge us.
“At our first outing as a family after transition, we took pictures since we were all dressed up. I posted them on my facebook page and my sister in law called to say that she had never seen my ftm smiling so broadly and so happy. It’s the smiles, we rarely saw them before transition, now they are abundant.”
A lot of times, only close family sees the daily struggle a child has before transition. It’s really nice when people outside of that small circle can see the positive change that comes along when a child is living true to him or herself.
“I think for me, it’s been seeing how much people really do love our son – how my family members were willing to change name and pronouns immediately, send “nephew” birthday cards, etc. and seeing/hearing the things that his friends at college, who have seen him go through this transition, are saying to him and how he has impacted their lives.”
Sometimes we are blessed to see how our child’s change actually causes a positive change in others.
“Being the parent of a transgender child has been a most significant and meaningful occurrence in my life. I have learned that parents can make such a difference in the lives of their transgender child just by their approval and support. I have seen my child go through something so very difficult but come out of it happy and looking forward to the future. This has been so heartwarming for me. I appreciate the many new things in my life because of my transgender child. I have met new people, such as the members of this group and other support groups, read new and interesting books and articles, become a part of PFLAG, done fun stuff such as marching in the PRIDE parade, and more. What started out as something so difficult has opened up a whole new world for me.”
A lot of us have extended our circles of friends through this process, and often we learn so much and grow into roles we never would have seen ourselves in before having a trans child!
“Having a trans child has really opened up my mind, and made me realize just how judgmental I had been (and still am sometimes) of other people. It has helped me grow as a person – I’m much more compassionate and understanding towards others. It’s also making me realize I might really be a Democrat! (although always fiscally conservative – can’t beat that out of me)”
We’ve all see the memes that go around saying you shouldn’t judge others because you never know what they might be dealing with in life. That’s so much easier said than done. Until you’ve had to face a really big challenge yourself. Then suddenly you know exactly what that saying means and it’s a lot easier to take it to heart.
“I have always been fascinated by diverse sexuality & gender. It has been my life’s work & passion professionally. Being a parent of a mtf daughter has grounded me even more deeply into my work, my life, and my love with my partner and family in such a new way. My family is blooming. My daughter has been such a catalyst of light fostering our growth. For me and my husband, there is lots of healing old wounds, and discovering new joys with this child. And she loves having a baby sister who shares in lots of tickling & laughter.”
Personal growth. Professional growth. A family blossoming and growing together. I hope this makes you as happy as it makes me.
“The joy of seeing them happy and living in their true selves.”
This is really at the heart of our support of our kids. Knowing our children are really, truly happy can make all of the bad things seem inconsequential.
“Being trans makes my kid a little different in an awesome way and he’s super cool with a slightly different perception of the world around him.”
Trans kids do have a different view of the world. They see the good and bad, they know how judgmental others can and will be, but they still decide to live true to themselves. That takes courage. That takes moxie. And it’s an awesome way to live!
“When we figured out that our child was gender expansive it was like we were finally meeting him, and I love seeing who he is shine through.”
We think we know our kids, but once a child transitions, they will really blossom. The shy or quiet child can come out of that shell. The apprehensive child can reveal huge amounts of courage in trying new things. Interests that were stifled can become full-blown passions. How many of us have the gift of getting to know our kids two times?
“Looking back over the past 15 years and knowing we got it right.”
Vindication. Reassurance. THIS is what it’s all about.
Debi Jackson Will Be Featured at HRC’s National Time to THRIVE Conference
Time to THRIVE is a national conference for youth-serving professionals hosted by the Human Rights Campaign. Attendees include K-12 educators, mental health providers, pediatricians, religious leaders, recreational athletic coaches, and youth development staff (Boys and Girls Clubs, YMCAs, scout leaders, etc.), working together to support the LGBTQ youth population.
Time to THRIVE’s goal is to build awareness and cultural competency, learn current and emerging best practices, and gather resources from leading experts and national organizations in the field.
I am thrilled to announce that I will be a speaker at this year’s conference in Portland, Oregon, in February. Actor and activist George Takei will be presented with the Upstander Award, and I am honored to be part of an event that includes someone of his caliber who has done so much for expanding love and acceptance of the LGBTQ community through kindness, wit, and humor.
“We are honored and humbled to have such powerful advocates join us to bring attention to the needs of our LGBT and questioning youth, many of whom face family rejection, bullying and constant safety concerns,” said Vincent Pompei, chair of Time to THRIVE, and director of the HRC Foundation’s Youth Well-Being Project. “George Takei and Debi Jackson are two of the most compelling, eloquent voices out there speaking on behalf of LGBTQ equality.”
Thank you all for the support that has allowed my video to be shared so many times, to reach so many struggling families, and to allow me the opportunity to explain how wonderful our trans youth are and the blessings that come along with loving them. It is, indeed, their Time to THRIVE!
If I Was Leelah’s Mom
Leelah Alcorn is pretty much all I’ve been able to think about for the last few days. My family is all snug at home, enjoying time together during the holiday break and staying inside playing games to escape the bitter cold. But even surrounded by warmth and happiness, my husband and kids, I think about Leelah.
I’ve wrestled with various emotions when thinking of her parents. Anger, possibly a little hatred, a lot of pity, and a tiny sliver of understanding. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, to think that they loved Leelah deeply but were overwhelmed and confused, trying to understand but finding it to be a struggle. I didn’t want to judge them purely by Leelah’s words, as we all know that a one-sided story often leaves out some important information. But now that Leelah’s mom has spoken to CNN, saying that they loved her as a son but could never accept her as a daughter, I am left with nothing but pity for her. They were emotionally abusive. They didn’t love her conditionally; they had limits. I’m heartbroken because I know that this story could have turned out so differently.
If I was Leelah’s mom…when I saw signs of my child’s distress, I would have sought out answers. I would have asked our family doctor; asked friends if they had similar experiences and advice; read books — dozens and dozens of books, any that I could find; spent hours online pouring over page after page on site after site, arming myself with information. I may not have liked some of the answers, but I would have wanted to learn as much as possible to be sure I was informed and had the answers I needed to eventually help my child. I know I would have done this, because it’s what I did when AJ started showing signs of distress at the age of 4, the age Leelah says she was when she first knew she was different. Maybe Leelah was a great actor and hid these feelings, but eventually she spoke up.
If I was Leelah’s mom…even if I had missed subtle signs of her sadness for a decade, when she was 14 and discovered that her feelings had a name and that she wasn’t alone, when she decided to try to talk to me about it and tell me she was transgender, I would have listened without judgment. I would have hugged her, told her I loved her, and that even if I didn’t understand, I would always love her exactly as she is. I would not have yelled at her, said things to her like “You’ll never be a real girl” or “God going to send you straight to hell.” I know this because when my daughter first said the words “Mom, I’m a girl on the inside,” my reply to her was “Oh? Ok. Thank you for telling me.” My mind was reeling, of course, with a thousand overwhelming thoughts and questions, concerns and fears, but I was determined not to show her those feelings and create any doubt in her mind about my love for her. My job as a mom is to protect and to nurture, not to cause pain or sadness in my child.
If I was Leelah’s mom…when she confided in me that she felt like a girl, I would not have told her she would be condemned by God. I would not have looked for a biased therapist who would tell me what I wanted to hear but rather one who would be open and honest with me about the realities of Gender Dysphoria. I know this because I checked out several psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists in our area to see which ones had both educational credentials and actual experience with patients struggling with gender issues before deciding which one to see with AJ.
If I was Leelah’s mom…I would not have chosen to follow my church’s beliefs about people who are transgender rather than listen to my child’s belief about who she was. I would have recognized that with thousands of denominations within Christianity, all having disagreements on what is right versus what is wrong, what is a choice versus what is in one’s nature, what is a sin and even the seriousness of that sin on a scale of meh-that’s-not-so-bad-but-don’t-do-it-again all the way up to OMG-you-should-be-feeling-the-flames-of-Hell-licking-at-your-backside-already, that some of them have to be wrong. I would have looked deeply into my child’s eyes, and seeing the pain there, I would have gambled on the side of trusting my child to be right and my particular Christian denomination to be wrong. I know this because it’s exactly what I did. I chose to see how real my daughter’s distress was rather than to blindly accept what the Southern Baptist Convention said about the transgender experience. I had no clue if anyone in the SBC leadership had ever met or spoken with a trans man or woman, but I knew my child and I could see that her torment was real.
But sadly, I was not Leelah’s mom…and her mom made very different choices.
People defending Leelah’s mom say “You can’t judge her until you’ve been in her shoes.” Well, I have been, so I guess I should be able to judge her. But I won’t because we aren’t put here to judge each other. That’s a lesson from Christianity that Leelah’s mom failed to grasp. It’s also a lesson that “preachers” peddling hate have failed to grasp. They want their followers to believe that supporting a transgender child and allowing him or her to transition to their affirmed gender is child abuse. They scream it online and from the pulpit. And yet, my child who was affirmed and supported in living as her true gender is alive, happy and laughing down the hall from me, while Leelah who was yelled at, sent to therapy to be fixed, and isolated from friends so that she felt completely alone is now gone. Which life sounds like the one filled with abuse?
If I was Leelah’s mom…and I was sitting alone in my home today thinking about the suicide of my child and all of the choices I had made, I would be on my knees in anguish, praying with such fervor that the sweat on my brow was red with blood, begging God to forgive me for failing my daughter.
Debi Jackson
John Jolie-Pitt: How long is a phase?
John, center, with dad and brothers at the ‘Unbroken’ premiere. (Photo: Matt Sayles, Invision/AP)
In the last couple of weeks, the story of Shiloh/John Jolie-Pitt has made the rounds of the internet. Thanks to having such famous parents and appearing in photos wearing boys’ clothing in the last few years, there has been ongoing speculation about John for a very long time.
Most of the coverage, though, has taken quotes from an article from the UK and a rather dubious “expert.” (I’m not going to link to those stories because I don’t want to lend credence to the stated opinions.) In these articles, Brad and Angelina are quoted as saying John has been using this name at home since the age of three. John is now eight.
Five years. Five long years of consistently asserting a male identity and using the name John.
However, the “expert” wants everyone to know that most kids will explore gender roles. She misses the fact that the exploration would encompass both male and female roles, while John has exhibited a very strong male role almost exclusively all this time. She also muses that poor John might have been emulating older male siblings and that once younger siblings (girls) were in the house, might have been acting out to gain attention. But wouldn’t you think that younger female siblings would get the bulk of the attention — purely because of how time-consuming it is to care for infants — so John would revert to female behaviors to compete with the sisters?
She concludes by saying parents should watch and see what happens, accepting the child as he or she presents. If the child is seeking attention, the behavior will go away. Further, if what the child is saying is “real,” the parents are giving the child time to “make up their minds.”
Well, John seems to know. For FIVE years, the behavior has been consistent. How much longer does this expert want parents to “wait and see”?
The Jolie-Pitt family seems to be doing the right things. Aside from not switching pronouns, which I am trying not to begrudge because it’s often the last thing a child requests and the hardest one for parents to do, they are supporting John on this journey.
However, my fear is that people reading this expert’s words will decide that if their child is exhibiting the same sort of behavior, they can always wait and hope the child grows out of it. They might not be so open to allowing a child to change names or clothing because if five years is a phase, their child’s insistence of only two years surely isn’t something to take seriously.
Or what if the insistence starts around puberty? If a child starts experiencing severe distress over going through puberty because of the realization that their body does not match who they feel they are inside, will those parents wait five or more years while all of the physical changes of puberty take a toll on their child because the “Jolie-Pitt interview expert” said it was okay?
Phases are NOT five years. Think about the phases your child has gone through. Wanting to wear only sweatpants, watching a new favorite cartoon obsessively, wanting to be a Ninja Turtle (an imaginary character…this is not the same as asserting your gender identity), the need to dip every food — not just cookies — in milk. These things last how long…a couple of weeks, a few months? They are not five years of consistently and persistently declaring an identity.
Want to compare John’s behavior to another child’s? This is one article that did. And I’m happy for the comparison.
Do you see the similarities in the consistent, insistent, and persistent behavior?
What Is Child Abuse: A trans child’s perspective
AJ (7-years old) asked where I was the other night, and I told her I was at a PFLAG fundraiser. She said “That’s the group you are in to help families understand and be happy if they have a kid like me, right?” I told her yes and for some other kids, too.
Then she asked, “What if the family never is ok with it? Do you take the kids away and find them a better home?”
I said that no one can do that unless a child is being hurt and abused by being hit or not fed or something.
Then she said…”Well, technically, they are being abused because they are being hurt on the inside, in their heart, and that would be even worse.”
