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A Frustrating Thanksgiving
I debated writing this post for a couple of days because of the personal nature, but the continued lack of understanding of transgender issues just isn’t acceptable.
On Thanksgiving, AJ said she was thankful for having such a loving family and she said she was happy. But later the same day, she went to a negative, dark place. She said she wasn’t happy and was frustrated. She said she is frustrated and sad because she is transgender. She said she already lost her first best friend because she transitioned, and his mom wasn’t accepting. She said she’s constantly worried that people will find out she’s trans and will reject her for it.
At no point did the thought even occur to her that she could “switch back” or “just be a boy again” to change this and end the frustration. This is important. Because I still hear all the time that she is confused, she could change her mind, or that we are forcing her to be someone she isn’t, everyone reading this needs to understand that she doesn’t think about being a boy because she isn’t one. (And I say this because my posts are public and “friends of friends” often read them and have those thoughts.)
She is a girl, a transgender girl, and she is sad and frustrated. But her sadness and frustration isn’t from being trans. It’s from being judged for being trans. Do you see the difference? It’s a huge difference because it IS something that can be changed. She can’t change who she is, but the judgmental non-approving attitudes from people in our society CAN change.
If you are my friend on Facebook (where this was originally posted), I know you already get this. Heck, half of you are trans or have a family member who is. So I know you get it. This post is for your friend, co-worker, long-lost high school buddy or anyone else who stumbles across it. Stop the judgement. Stop calling transgender people “gross”. Stop saying you have a right to call them any name you want. You don’t. Treat people with respect and work on fixing yourself before you try to “fix” someone else.
Pride and Joy Campaign
Are you ready to share why your child is your Pride & Joy? We want parents to realize that every child — yes, even LGBT kids — should be their pride and joy. And we’d like to help those kids whose parents don’t show them love by raising money for the Trevor Project, the largest suicide-prevention organization in the country focused on helping LGBT youth.
Visit the Pride & Joy Campaign website, download a sign to tell why your kid is your pride and joy, and then share it with everyone on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram with the hashtag #prideandjoy (and don’t forget to donate!)
Making Schools Safe for Transgender Children
We are fortunate that by homeschooling our kids, we don’t have to worry about unsupportive administrations, mishandled paperwork, or other children (or their parents) bullying our AJ and her brother. But for a lot of parents, their children are already in a school system when they come out as transgender and start their transition.
So what can you do as a parent to ensure your child is safe in a school? You have a few options. First, you must decide if your child will stay in their current school or if you will transfer to a different school in the district. If your child wants to be stealth, changing schools is probably the only way to make that happen. I have heard of some kids who transition over a summer and return to the same school as a “cousin” of their former self, but that usually ends up not working out well in the long-term.
Finding a school system with a well-defined non-discrimination policy in place and one that has had transgender children enrolled before is always helpful. But there are still thousands of districts in the US with no policy in place. That’s where we turn to our ally organizations for help. There are many with full anti-bullying programs, LGBT support and educator training programs in place. Here are some that you can contact (in alphabetical order to not show any preference):
Gender Spectrum — Gender Spectrum will work with individual schools or full districts to create more gender-inclusive schools and a safe environment for all schools. Their training ranges from 2-hour sessions for staff to multi-year programs that enable schools to be accredited as “Gender Inclusive”.
GLSEN — The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network has several ways to help a school become a more welcoming place for LGBT students. From Educator Resources including curriculum and lesson plans; to professional development toolkits, workshops and webinars; to the Educator Network that provides monthly newsletters full of resources, GLSEN has materials flexible enough to work in any school situation. (Look under the “Teach” tab on their website.)
HRC — The Human Rights Campaign Foundation has a Welcoming Schools program that addresses family diversity in all of its forms, gender stereotypes and bullying. What is unique about their program is that it is geared for K-5 grade levels, while most other programs are designed for middle school and up. They offer a Starter Kit you can download, full lesson plans, and trainers and consultants that work directly with schools across the country.
PFLAG — PFLAG offers a program called “Cultivating Respect: Safe Schools for All”. Local PFLAG chapters are trained in how to offer this program to local schools or school districts. Along with providing support and education to students, parents, and educators, your local PFLAG chapter can help develop creative programs and help craft model policies for inclusion.
TYFA — TransYouth Family Allies can send a trainer to your school to work specifically through issues that will affect a transgender or gender-variant child. More than offering help with bathroom and locker room policies, the use of chosen names and pronouns, and how to work with school records, TYFA will educate a school administration on the daily challenges that families with trans or gender-variant children face because TYFA trainers have trans kids of their own.
Any of these organizations can help lead the way in advocating for your child’s rights and best interests. You don’t have to navigate this road alone.
My Transgender Child: The Backstory
I’ve been invited to speak to a wide variety of groups in the last couple of months. I thought my Listen To Your Mother speech was a good summation of everything I could say about our daughter’s transition and my family’s journey. I’m usually a short and to-the-point kind of person, so six minutes of talking naturally should cover everything, right?
Well, rather than give the same speech over and over again, I’ve started sifting through memories to pull out more stories that illustrate our daughter’s struggles and distress. I’ve also started to think about how it has changed our individual and familial perspectives on concepts we think we know, like “love,” “courage” and “trust.”
With that in mind, I spoke to a wonderful group called KC Oasis about a month ago. Rather than spend 30 minutes staring down at words set on a podium, I decided to just look into the eyes of the people around me and tell them our story. That sort of connection to people is what seems to make the biggest difference. I hope my words might help inspire other families to accept their transgender kids, and maybe start to speak out and tell their stories, too.
Why Are Your Kids Your Pride & Joy?
Why are your kids your Pride & Joy?
That’s the question we will be asking as part of a new fundraising campaign with The Trevor Project, to be launched in the next couple of months.
Stemming from the 2 horrific stories last week of an 8yo boy who was tortured and murdered by his mother for playing with dolls and a 17yo trans boy who committed suicide, we want to promote pride in ALL of our kids, whether they fall into the LGBTQ spectrum or not.
I’m excited to be working with Liz Dyer, owner of the “Serendipitydodah for Moms” Facebook support group for moms of LGBTQ kids on this project. Trans-Parenting.com and the Serendipitydodah group are partnering to develop this campaign and fundraiser.
We will ask parents to fill in a sign that says why their child is their pride and joy, take a photo with it and their child, then share the pic across social media. Parents will also be able to post the photos, videos, or a longer story on the campaign website … and of course we will ask everyone to take the next step and donate to The Trevor Project.
NO ONE has to identify their kids as straight, gay, or trans and can simply post as allies. People can donate without sharing pics or videos. The pics and videos will be a fun activity for those who want to post them. (Don’t forget, we are all kids, so adults can get photos with their parents!) Our hope is that the pics and videos that are shared will create a sort of viral activity so we can reach more people.
The campaign will have 3 basic goals:
- Call attention to the fact that LGBTQ+ people – particularly youth – are still being bullied, marginalized and abused, but that all kids have great qualities that should make their parents proud.
- Donate money to The Trevor Project as they are the leading national organization focused on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.
- Spread the word about our efforts at Trans-Parenting.com and the “Serendipitydodah for Moms” Facebook support group to more parents looking for support and resources. We want to offer helpful resources for support and education.
And, of course, a dream is to find a celebrity (or a lot of them) to help support and promote the campaign. ( Ellen and her mom? Lady Gaga with her mom? Ricky Martin and his sons?) If you have a connection please let me know so we can try to arrange support of the campaign in advance!
Stay tuned! As soon as we have all the details ironed out and have an announcement or press release ready we will share it with all of you.
